The end of my solitaire-playing existence has now drawn to an abrupt, yet timely close. Except it hasn't because I've downloaded it on to my phone, but you know what I mean.
Thursday saw me sitting at my desk, blogging. Whilst tip-tapping my rather mean thoughts about Tiny and Jane, I was unaware that they were passing around a card to wish me best wishes, and scurrying out to Accessorize to buy me leaving gifts of shiny things. What an unspeakably mean-spirited fragment of existence I must be.
At lunchtime, I was whisked to the pub next door and presented with said gifts and a big plate of bangers and mash. Big bangers and shiny stuff, what more could a girl ask for? Well, she could ask not to have been sandwiched between Tiny's uncomfortable silence and best impression of a benevolent smile on one side, and Jabbering Jane's monologue and consistent interruptions on the other. The best part was watching her slurp up a double vodka and tonic, which radiated a ultra-violet glow, and the intriguing lack of effect it had on her system.
Back in the office after this rather stilted lunch, everything was as usual. When I came to leave, Tiny (who would not be in on Friday) stood up very formally and gave a rather out-of character speech about how nice it was to meet me. Jane busily sifted through the mountains of half-arsed paperwork on her desk and pretended she was not listening. He looked like he was having something of inward battle in trying to work out whether to come out from behind his protective, horseshoe desk to give me a hug, or remain where he was for professional purposes. In the end he settled for leaning awkwardly over the desk, proffering forth his hand for me to shake. I scurried away as soon as I could and felt guilty for not being able to find anything meaningful to say when leaving behind someone who has revealed an assortment of dark secrets to me.
As thursday had felt like my actual last day, it meant I was more than a little tempted not to bother with Friday, and have to face yet another last day. The incentive I needed, however, was the fact I had left my "Elvis Lives" mug on my desk. Plus I had my eye on a rather large tub of paperclips in the stationary cupboard. And some post-it notes. I love post-it notes. I have stolen them from everywhere I have ever worked, although I never really use them and am now developing quite a collection. I just think they are something you can never have too many of.
The day was as boring as hell, surprise surprise. Lots of uncomfortable conversations which involved me having to recite my reasons for going and describing my new job almost word-for-word to at least five people. I'm sure they weren't particularly interested, and it began to worry me because I now feel rather unsure as to just what it is I am leaving to do! It was rather curious to note that everyone felt much more comfortable homing in on the bus journey as being my main reason for going. Their minds did not seem to compute that I'm BORED!! That the company is horrendously organized, that all I can ever hope for in this job is to get Tiny's job when he finally crashes and burns, that there is an ugly divide in the office, that I don't want to feel forced to go and spend four days with them under "compulsory enjoyment" orders at the ball of Inverness.
"There were four and twenty virgins at the ball of Inverness,
And when the ball was over there were four and twenty less.
Singing:
'Balls to your partner,
Arse against the wall,
If you don't get fucked on Saturday night,
You don't get fucked at all!'"
Courtesy of my Father, and rugby fans nationwide)
Finally leaving for the last time, it was Jane's turn to fashion some kind of farewell speech, and she did a better job than Tiny. She thought I was making a pre-emptive strike and suspected there will be some people who will be forced into looking for alternate employment. I advised her to keep her eyes open for something. I didn't have the heart to tell her she is on the brink of getting sacked due to the ever growing list of complaints that Tiny is having to log, about her brusque manner, on a daily basis.
I left rather unceremoniously and walked out in to the sunshine along the cobbled streets outside. As I sat on the bus home for the last time, I thought how I will miss them all for the entertainment they have given me. They were far less judgmental about me than I was about them.
